I don’t know what I’ve been so busy doing that I haven’t tumbled in a while (good one), but apparently something, and for that, I am remorseful. Anyway, one of the things I guess I’ve been doing, besides reading the perverted fan fiction of 16-year-old girls, was watching an Amy Poehler interview in which she, as usual, is the best. I wish I could find the video just so I could ogle her/Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t, so here’s a dumb transcription instead:
Every summer when I finish a show, I always think I’m just gonna just like… I have really big plans. I think I’m gonna cook all organic meals. Like this summer, I either wanna see or participate in dance twice a week, that’s what I said. I wanna be a patron of dance, that’s what i said to myself. And all I’ve been doing is watching Game of Thrones and eating Chinese food.
Since watching this jinterview (whatup typo in an email from Colgate Career Services circa 2010!!), I’ve considered all the absurd things I casually set forth for myself each summer, which, now that I’m not “really” a “student” any “longer,” doesn’t exist beyond increased temperatures anyway. The goals that have come to me thus far, since, let’s say, mid-May, oddly all have to do with picking up skills other women/girls/ladies of my age seem to have acquired recently. RIP MASCULINE MAEVE (just kidding, I don’t consider myself that masculine besides my deep voice).
THESE ARE THINGS I NEED TO LEARN 2 BE A LADY:
1. How to make my lipstick application last beyond my bus ride to my destination. Like, it just can’t be that hard, yet there I am, getting off the M101 bus with natural lips.
2. How to braid my hair in cool summer ways so I don’t have a half-blonde afro for the months of June, July, and August. My former fave site Pinterest may help in this endeavor, but I may just get distracted by pretty ~~*wedding dresses*~~ and never learn the trix I need.
3. How to walk in wedges/heels. Yo I just can’t and I’d like to — maybe not even for an ENTIRE night, but, let’s say beyond 20 minutes. If the Kardashians can manage, so can I.
SUMMER 2012 = THE SUMMER I BECOME A PATRON OF FEMININITY. Here we go, y’all.
Since the Bravo upfronts were yesterday and announced the new shows that’ll be coming our way soon, I considered what it’d be like if I were on a reality show and it’d probably be as interesting as - oh, I don’t know - watching a 23-year old do inane things. If anyone is in the market for that, though, I’d be a willing participant.
7:45: Rise. Look at Twitter and Facebook while laying in bed.
7:53: Brush my teeth for the full two minutes because of the whole dry mouth issue.
7:55: Get back into bed, arrange my 6 pillows into a small throne, look at Facebook and Twitter on my computer. Be pissed nothing has changed in 10 minutes.
8:15: Think about how dirty my room is. Too bad, I’m a hoarder.
9:00: Roll into my office, which is 60 feet from my bedroom. Do some “work.”
10:00: Text people to see if they want to get dinner later, when they say yes, say “Great, I’ll yelp some places!”
10:30: Look at Yelp and hate every place. No neighborhood has any food everywhere, so I guess I’ll go hungry.
11:05: Wish it was noon so I could crack open my first Diet Coke of the day. If you drink Diet Coke before noon, you may be a hooker. BUT I JUST WANT DIET COKE.
11:45: Finally pick a mexican place for dinner that we’ve been to a billion times, tell everyone it’s good.
12:00: WOO DIET COKE WOO I CAN DRINK DIET COKE. I do.
12:10: Be done with Diet Coke and also be sad.
12:30-4:00: Alternate entering in bills/answering the phone/filing stuff with perusing blogs. Every word counts.
4:30: Wish it was 5:00 so I could go to the gym. I don’t want to go to the gym, but I’ll long for that freedom.
5:00: Get ready to go to the gym by putting on the same clothes as I’ve worn for a few days prior. Consider how disgusting that is and how bad they smell. Whatever, my washing machine is broken.
5:05-6:00: Be at the gym. “Workout.”
6:15: Come home, shower. Think about how great it is I don’t have to shower until the next day.
7:00: Rush out the door because I’m going to be late. Good thing I chose a restaurant 10 blocks from my house. Very crafty.
8:30: Return home. Wrap my tresses around a curling iron approximately 1,000 times.
9:00: Get back into my bed/pillow throne. Look at tumblrs and laugh at teenage girls. Realize I’m just as sad as they are. Contemplate.
9:30: Catch up on all the Draw Something games I haven’t played all day. I have been very busy.
9:45: Check Facebook and Twitter again. Goodbye, sweet sites, until the morning.
10:15: Go to bed because I am an 80-year-old woman.
ANDY COHEN, IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN FILMING ALL THIS, YOU KNOW HOW TO CONTACT ME. THANK YOU, GOOD DAY.
Well, as you’ve likely noticed, I haven’t updated this bad boy in a while and that is because I’ve fallen down a Pinterest k-hole. Pinterest, if you didn’t know, is a new(ish) site where “you” (read: ladiez) can post things that inspire you, that look good to you, or that you dream about. For some reason, it is essentially lots o’ladies posting their dream wedding dresses, cute ideas for baby photographs (a whole genre I never even knew about), and hairstyles that usually involve a lot of work for a messy bun, or ponytail, or whatever.
I know I’m (technically) a woman, but the things that are posted/”pinned” the most are so stupid that I am angered and find myself wondering why it seems that these ladies only think about weddings/babies/hair/funny pics of dogs that look like dicks. COME ON. Anyway, I scan it numerous times a day and have realized the thing that is the MOST OFFENSIVE is the disgusting recipes that are pinned/repinned thousands of times! Listen, I went to school in upstate New York and understand that taste can vary even within a state (if you are interested in pepperoni soup, cream based, in case you were wondering, boy oh boy do I have a restaurant recommendation for you). Anyway, I have rounded up the most offensive suggestions from the past few days and am considering doing the same for hair tutorials/baby things/stupid back tattoos. We’ll see where the wind blows me.
In order of least to most offense, according to me, the almighty decider.
Noodle Hot Dogs (What? What? What? WHAT? Can someone please explain this to me. Who would you serve it to? What is its point? Has anyone ever put straight up hot dogs in pasta before? I don’t think so!!)
Mmm. Gimme some of this:
It’s a good thing they’re using Barilla Plus (you know, for health).
Yesterday I went to the dentist (fun!) and in addition to obviously not flossing correctly (read: EVER), not brushing my gums well enough, and sliding down in the chair because I had a very short torso, I was told I have dry mouth. It’s probably because you’re a mouth breather - my dental hygienist. Yeah okay, whatever.
I was given a handout on what toothpaste and mouthwash to buy to MINIMIZE the impact of DRY MOUTH on my dental health (their capitalization, not mine) and though I initially threw it in my bag and didn’t stop at the 900 Duane Reades I passed on my way home, this morning I considered actually buying the stuff. As I took out the handout, I noticed on the back there is a list of “Additional tips to manage Dry Mouth.” Upon reading the suggestions I LOLed and then, based upon my lifestyle habits, concluded that I probably have the driest mouth in the entire world. Here are the suggestions:
Drink plenty of water daily to help moisten the inside of your mouth (Unlikely.).
Carry a small water bottle so you can take frequent sips during the day (What if I only have a big water bottle? Either way, totally unlikely.).
Limit consumption of caffeine as it can be dehydrating (LOL, no.).
Avoid alcohol, which can be dehydrating (But it’s a liquid. I’m confused.).
Drink liquids with meals and use gravies, sauces, yogurt, broth, margarine and mayonnaise to make food easier to swallow (So I’ll be really fat but have a wetter mouth? Seems worth it.).
Avoid refined sugar and carbohydrates (NEXT!).
For all the dental professionals out there who think that dry mouth is a terrible offense plaguing the mouths of your patients, THE SUGGESTIONS FOR AVOIDING IT ARE FAR WORSE THAN THE OFFENSE ITSELF. I may have a dry mouth for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be caffeinated, drunk, and not 600 pounds from using gravies and mayonnaise in all of my meals.
Well. When I started this b, I was like, maybe I’ll write about all the times people accuse me of lying about my age, or when I get carded to go to an R movie, or when Customs officers fall of their chairs because my passport photo was just that bad. But then it didn’t happen enough and so I was left without topics of interest, BUT THEN SATURDAY HAPPENED and we can all rest assured I have not lost my youthful looks.
So Saturday night I roll into a restaurant that also happens to have a nightclub in its basement (why? I’m not sure either) and prepare myself to eat a lot of tacos. Because of said nightclub, one must be 21 to eat in said establishment, and since I’m twenty-plus-three years old, I got in just fine. Ate some tacos. I didn’t think I looked particularly young that night (like, I didn’t have my standard pigtails/pacifier look going on. JK I’M NOT A PEDOPHILE), but I begin to listen to a conversation that is occurring to my left. Perhaps it is because I am the daughter of a Secret Service agent, or perhaps it is because I am incredibly nosy, but I just blatantly eavesdrop on people all the time. Anyway, at the table next to us are three young women and a man who, as they discussed a number of times, were New Orleans Saints fans, so they needed to find themselves some solace in margaritas. Right. So at one point, I’m listening to their conversation, and I see the man nod towards me and say to the ladies, “How old can that girl possibly be? I’m gonna bet no older than 18, right?” To which one woman responds, “I mean maybe 20. Not much older than that.” RIP ALL HOPES OF FINALLY LOOKING OLDER. RIP RESPECT FROM “ELDERS.” RIP EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS, I GUESS.
Happy Holidays, y’all! Hanukkah started last night, Christmas is on Sunday - IT’S ALL HAPPENING. As a native New Yorker, and someone who has been walking around quite a bit recently, I found deep within my heart the desire to give some walking guides to tourists who are visiting our fair city. I’m going going to highlight three neighborhoods to check out (2 standard tourists spots with inside New Yorker information and one up-and-coming neighborhood that not too many people know about. Shhhh!)
1. Times Square
A trip to New York would be remiss without a trip to Times Square. The huge billboards, the lights, the amazing stores and restaurants (M&M store, Forever 21, Toys R Us, Olive Garden, TGIFriday’s - WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!) make this square quintessentially American. Mayor Bloomberg and Janet Sadik-Khan, the head of the NYC Department of Transportation, have recently “pedestrianized” chunks of the streets, making it easy for tourists of all ages to enjoy the hot spot. Traveling with grandpa? Plop him down in a seat while you enjoy the ferris wheel inside Toys R Us. Does dad totally hate shopping? Tell him to sit outside while you and mom hit up the 5-floors of Forever 21! Everyone wins!
Pro Tip #1: This is applicable for all spots mentioned on this guide, but particularly true of the first two: NYC is best enjoyed by stopping wherever you are (middle of the sidewalk, middle of the street, subway platform, etc.) and looking up. Enjoy what’s around you - how will you know what you’re missing if you don’t just stop for a minute? You won’t.
2. Fifth Avenue
Confession: this is less of a neighborhood than an entire avenue, but it is chock-full of amazzzzzzzing stuff that you won’t want to miss, especially if you’re lucky enough to be in the Big Apple (natives refer to it like this ALL the time - keep that in mind) between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m going to highlight some spots that speak volumes about New York and its spirit, plus point out some incredible photo spots that CANNOT be missed.
You may want to hit up your fave stores before you look at the tree or pose for photos because these stores are so popular with New Yorkers that there are lines to get into them! Crazy! You may have to skip MoMA, but at least you’ll have a Hollister sweatshirt.
So, enough chit-chat, here are the stores that CANNOT be missed: Hollister (stare into the reflecting pool as you wait), Abercrombie & Fitch (the velvet ropes make you feel like a VIP, plus you get to take photos with those really hot guys at the door! Totally worth 45 minutes of standing!), the UGG store (stylish, Australian, and warm!), FAO Schwartz (for the kid inside you!), and finally, the Apple Store (open 24-hours! NYC is totally crazy.).
Next on the tour are photo spots and stores that are to be looked at, but not entered. Tiffany’s (can anyone say classic Breakfast at Tiffany’s pose?), Trump Tower (hopefully you won’t get fired from standing in front for too long!), the windows at Saks (another line, but another time that it’s definitely worth it), and, obviously, the tree. You’ll need a LOT of photos in front of tree so your friends back home believe your trip, but likeminded individuals will be around to help you take groups shots.
Pro Tip #2: Walk slowly. Walk 5-6 people across so you don’t lose anyone. Stop to consult a map so you don’t get lost (see Pro Tip #1). Stop at the corner the second the red hand starts blinking or risk being mowed over. Or, if you’re feeling brave, try to dash in front of a car and scream! Risky and cute!
This list is carrying on a bit long, but Soho will be quick because it’s not as touristy as the other two hot spots. Broadway is the epicenter of Soho, you’ll find shoe boutiques, another Hollister (more hot guys to take pictures with!), and this crazy Japanese store called Uniqlo. For lunch you MUST idle outside Dean & Deluca for a while to work up your hunger and then meander around looking at all the cheese, soups, chocolate, and cakes they have to offer. Broadway is best experienced slowly, so get on the street and start walking.
Good luck everyone! The holidays are the best - so much to do, so much to see!
Well it was my 23rd birthday on Friday and though I haven’t gotten my pictures developed yet (disposable cameras make us feel young again), my friends took a solo shot of me before we headed out - I think it’s pretty obvious I’m always ready to rage.
When I was on crutches for 12 weeks that just flew by (opposite) last year, I spent a lot of time reading Google articles on how to cope with using wooden sticks as legs and the nature of my broken bones. Quick medical information for everyone (since everyone I know is so sciencey!): most talus fractures come from high speed car accidents or falls from high elevations. In my case, a 4 inch curb was equivalent to those two likelihoods. Whatever, totes over it now. Yeah.
In addition to my Google searches, I closely monitored the weather for the good ol hip zip, 13346 to see when snow would first befall us. And though I, fortunately, never had to use it, I think I found the perfect advice for dealing with a crutching through snow situation.
Thanks for the idea, ehow! If anyone wants to do this for me once it gets snowy, just so I have better walking traction, I will allow you to pour road ice or sand into a plastic bag. I’ll even provide the bag.
The title of this post may lead you to believe that I have finally auditioned for MTV’s Real World, was cast as the silent roommate who is just there and never does anything interesting, and will be heading to some southern city in mere months.
I wish, but that ain’t what this is about.
In reality (see what I did there?), this is a much sadder situation. At the start of the second semester at Colgate, Career Services hosts something called “Real World,” at which current seniors can interact with alums/get contacts/talk to some guy about his booming business in Taiwan/grow sadder about their imminent future. There are a number of panels each day and while some people went to ones, like, “How to Negotiate Your Salary Options,” I went to more general ones: “Publishing,” “Media,” “Anything other than Banking.”
So, since I’m about a month removed from Homecoming, I’ve been dedicating a few hours a week to thinking about my next possible trip up to the good ol’ 13346. Spring Party Weekend? Sure. But that’s not until April. I’ll probably be married with kids by then! And then it hit me. Real World. I’ll just go up in January, when it’s -600 degrees (Fahrenheit, not Celsius) and go out to all my old hangs and when the few people I know who are still there are like, “Maeve, SO good to see you as always, but why are you here?” I’ll say nonchalantly, “Oh! I’m on a Real World panel. Working for the man, you know, the usual.”
I have no plans to actually be on a panel since I don’t actually have a paying job yet, but that won’t stop me. If Colgate just has to have me on a panel, though, I totally understand, and here are some fitting topics I could shed some light on:
1. Making the move home - how to update your walls without getting rid of your Sesame Street poster.
2. Are your parents self-employed or entrepreneurs? And you claim not to have any job prospects!
3. Ah! It’s May 15th and I haven’t applied to one job! You’re not alone. These alums have totes been there.
4. How to create a blog so that once a year someone can tell you they’ve read it and bolster your confidence.
I am aware that Halloween is not until tomorrow, but as a 22-year-old I have already celebrated said holiday. I was a Sexergizer Bunny obvi (thankfully Ricky’s still had some left), and it kept me warm and let everyone know that I am a confident woman.
JUST KIDDING. HAHAH GOT YA, PERVERTS. I am waiting to reveal to the big costume until I have pictures for you to ogle, but just know that it took advantage of my youthful appearance and the makeup I have acquired/hoarded from working for a cosmetics company for three summers. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a baby prostitute. You can breathe easier now. Okay, here’s a clue, but this is all you’ll get:
(FYI: those socks are frilly. I didn’t just wear some random athletic socks with tiny-heeled red shoes. What do you take me for?)
The most important part of a piece of identification, I think (though who can be sure?), is that it identifies one properly. You may not believe me, but I am not an expert in photography or the production of IDs. I feel confident admitting, however, that I think for an A+ successful ID, a straight-on shot that clearly captures the identified’s face and proper spelling of the name is something to aim for. That’s why this ID from one of the thousands of internships I’ve had (just kidding, I’ve only had 3) is, perhaps, the ULTIMATE ID of all time.
I haven’t been able to update recently, guys, because I’ve had a brush with fame and the paparazzi have been hounding me. They say pictures of babies, like Suri and Shiloh, sell mad copies of magazines.
Anyway, that was a lie, but I did, actually, have a brush with fame and I have also been very busy being unemployed. Don’t worry, though, I know many have been awaiting the government-issues ID photo post (suckas admitted it to me at homecoming! I’m onto y’all!), but first I need to update you on more relevant topics before my computer crashes.
I made a supercut for Jezebel. Peep it here (as if you haven’t already! Yeah, right.): Joe and Mika Bleep Bloop. It was posted, and I continued on with my life. Sleeping, 10-hour excursions to Brooklyn, tweeting, etc., you know how I do. BUT THEN, one week later, I received information that I had made it. I had hit the big time. Joe Scarborough tweeted the link to my video. Exhibit A (I am known to be a liar, after all):
Then, Mika also tweeted it! Exhibit B:
So, I think that I have now been acknowledged by 2 morning talk show hosts, I don’t really ever need to get “a job.” That is why, to be honest, I’ve been so lax with updating this bad boy. It just seems like a hassle that celebrities shouldn’t have to deal with.
It’s a heatwave, y’all. And I think it’s because Liz Cliffy is in town.
Liz/Beth is visiting from Salt Lake City and she is providing me entertainment/pleasure. She’s been here a week (where does the time go!) and we’ve been hitting the town HARD. We’ve made excursions to crazy-foreign boroughs like Brooklyn (thrice), eaten some food, seen some films (XXX and otherwise), and learned how to be nice (and flirt. Women: ASK FOR HELP AND MEN WILL LOVE YOU. See here for more tips: Being Nice n Shit).
Today Liz and I also ventured to the Highline to pick up men with our newly founded flirtin’ tipz and also to walk as slowly as possible behind old peeps. Here is Liz having fun and enjoying my company:
Now I must run because Kim Kardashian’s wedding requires my undivided attention! What will I talk to others about if I don’t know every detail of her connubial bliss I will be a social outcast.
As a pre-hoarder, I have discovered 15 photo IDs in my boudoir. I look really good in all of them (as I’m sure you’ll believe since I’m incredibly photogenic), but will only share the best looks with you, dear readers, because I want you to achieve your best looks.
NB: I considered posting a boatload of photos of yourself may seem a bit conceited, but after perusing thoughtcatalog.com, I realized it’s what all young peeps in the blogosphere write. IT’S THE BEST WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!
Here we go with Part 1 - School ID Photos:
Look 1: If you want to look good on your first day of high school at a new school, you should tie a beaded necklace around your neck (punk!), pull your hair back in a bun, and wear a Roots Canada sweatshirt.
Look 2: This mullet-vampire look is best for high school sophomores, though obviously will improve anyone’s appearance, generally. To pull it off you need to be extremely pale (can be achieved through white powder makeup, if need be), and you need to have recently cut bangs that you decide to middle-part. Middle-parts are, in fact, flattering to the roundest of all faces.
Look 3: The hair from look 2 can be carried over into look three, though the part needs to be more on the side and one lock of hair needs to deviate from the rest of your bangs. Close-lipped smiles always look genuine, so in order to avoid a double chin (the worst!), keep those lips tight.
Look 4: For all those college freshmen out there (email me for a hot date! JK.), ID photos aren’t taken every year, unlike high school, so you need to make sure you look YOUR BEST. Straighten your now-blonde hair (blondeness isn’t really optional, unfortunately) and then throw a black headband on to hold your bands back. Again, closed-lip smiles are flattering and don’t make you look smug AT ALL, so unless you want the bouncers at all the bars to think you’re smug for four years, purse them lips. Also, if you can, knock around your ID so you get a dent right in the middle of your forehead - it’ll keep people guessing: only on the photo or a real-life denthead?
So there you have school-issued IDs, in the next part of “How to Take a Good ID Photo,” I will cover state and work-issued IDs. Good luck with looking good, y’all!
Today I realized that I didn’t select a photo for the yearbook. An email I unearthed from EZ-Portraits informed me that if I didn’t make a selection by April 3, 2011, they would make a selection for me, which is fab news because I look really good in all of my pictures. I don’t think they could’ve gone wrong with any photo, but here are the top three that I’m hoping they used.
Since I’ve moved home (yeyah, party’s heaaah!), I’ve been attempting to clean all the stuff I’ve allowed to collect since, like, 2002. Some items, the manual to my Sidekick, for instance, lead me to believe that I may be taking after my hero the hoarder sooner than anticipated, but whatever, she owns a brownstone.
I unearthed a box of SAT practice tests, flashcards, college applications, and, best of all, my rejection letters! Since I’m in the process of redecorating, my (hoarder’s) mind was all, “I can’t throw these away — they’re too awesome and funny! You should definitely make a wallpaper.”
So here’s a step-by-step process for how to make a cool and funny wallpaper for your boudoir! You’re welcome.
1. Apply to 10 colleges in January.
2. Wait eagerly until April 1st when you will receive one acceptance letter.
3. Figure that bodes well for the rest of your applications!
4. BE TOTALLY WRONG.
5. Get waitlisted at six schools and rejected from three.
6. Cry every day.
7. Store your rejection letters in a clear box under a chair in your room for five years.
8. Find the letters, combine them with a mid-term report you once received for getting 3.5/5 on a quiz in your CORE Ethiopia class, and use Hodge Podge to glue them to your wall and form a clear glaze.
9. Allow the glaze to dry and admire your work.
I’m only on step 7, but the cool thing about this process is you don’t have to follow the directions to a T, so if, for instance, I find another letter, like the one where I got number 651 out of 652 for housing selection, I can add that to the pot! Soon my walls will be filled and I won’t have room for the 30 picture frames I bought! Ultimate tragedy.
Last night I walked behind a girl in a full-length leopard romper past the hoarder’s house.
I was then struck with genius and planned to incorporate two new series into my blog (which, fortunately, is easy, because no series have begun on LBF yet).
Series 1: How’s the Hoarder Hanging?
If you didn’t know, a hoarder lives near me and I am obsessed with her. It may be because she depicts my future to me, or because she is my lifeblood. An article from March summarizes why she’s the greatest: The owner is notorious for her morning routine of yelling at people while sweeping the sidewalk and then dumping trash — which has, at times, included pigeon and dog feces — in front of the storefronts on this block between Second and First avenues, neighbors say.
So, this new series will chronicle her actions as I see them when I walk past her (circa numerous times a day).
Series 2: That Was a Bold Move
This series will label things, as I see fit, “bold moves.” Since I am the arbiter of all that is good/bad in the world, this series seems pretty obvious.
If these aren’t enough to entice you to read my musings all day, erry day, than I DON’T THINK ANYTHING WILL.
Good news, everyone! The day you’ve all eagerly been awaiting has come: I have created a blog. Today I did several new things including buying a belt, straightening my hair for the first time since May, making my twitter public, and listening to the Glee version of “Friday,” so it was obviously an incredibly busy day and I figured I’d throw blogging into the mix!
I maintained blogs both when I was an emotional high schooler and when I was abroad, but since I have been neither of those things for two years, I’m starting fresh. I’ve also recently been feeling like Twitter and Facebook don’t provide me with enough venues to express my feelings/thoughts/observations (of which I have a TON), so here I am at tumblr.
Though I am, in fact, a fan of literature, I promise I won’t randomly post a quote in a huge font, nor will I comment on the deterioration of the English language. I also am resolved not to post recipes because, despite cooking classes, I don’t know how to cook and spend no time doing it!
So there you have it - reasons I’ve started a blog even though I’m an unemployed 22-year-old (wait, that IS why I created a blog!), and things I won’t do.