My summer patronage tour kicked off with Ed Sheeran, who just is the best. Here are a few of the 100, literally, I’m not sure why, photos that I took and have sent around for others to ogle.
Oh hello. Remember me, Maeve?
I don’t know what I’ve been so busy doing that I haven’t tumbled in a while (good one), but apparently something, and for that, I am remorseful. Anyway, one of the things I guess I’ve been doing, besides reading the perverted fan fiction of 16-year-old girls, was watching an Amy Poehler interview in which she, as usual, is the best. I wish I could find the video just so I could ogle her/Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t, so here’s a dumb transcription instead:
Every summer when I finish a show, I always think I’m just gonna just like… I have really big plans. I think I’m gonna cook all organic meals. Like this summer, I either wanna see or participate in dance twice a week, that’s what I said. I wanna be a patron of dance, that’s what i said to myself. And all I’ve been doing is watching Game of Thrones and eating Chinese food.
Since watching this jinterview (whatup typo in an email from Colgate Career Services circa 2010!!), I’ve considered all the absurd things I casually set forth for myself each summer, which, now that I’m not “really” a “student” any “longer,” doesn’t exist beyond increased temperatures anyway. The goals that have come to me thus far, since, let’s say, mid-May, oddly all have to do with picking up skills other women/girls/ladies of my age seem to have acquired recently. RIP MASCULINE MAEVE (just kidding, I don’t consider myself that masculine besides my deep voice).
THESE ARE THINGS I NEED TO LEARN 2 BE A LADY:
1. How to make my lipstick application last beyond my bus ride to my destination. Like, it just can’t be that hard, yet there I am, getting off the M101 bus with natural lips.
2. How to braid my hair in cool summer ways so I don’t have a half-blonde afro for the months of June, July, and August. My former fave site Pinterest may help in this endeavor, but I may just get distracted by pretty ~~*wedding dresses*~~ and never learn the trix I need.
3. How to walk in wedges/heels. Yo I just can’t and I’d like to — maybe not even for an ENTIRE night, but, let’s say beyond 20 minutes. If the Kardashians can manage, so can I.
SUMMER 2012 = THE SUMMER I BECOME A PATRON OF FEMININITY. Here we go, y’all.
Five year high school reunion. Achieved many photo booth dreams.
Since the Bravo upfronts were yesterday and announced the new shows that’ll be coming our way soon, I considered what it’d be like if I were on a reality show and it’d probably be as interesting as - oh, I don’t know - watching a 23-year old do inane things. If anyone is in the market for that, though, I’d be a willing participant.
7:45: Rise. Look at Twitter and Facebook while laying in bed.
7:53: Brush my teeth for the full two minutes because of the whole dry mouth issue.
7:55: Get back into bed, arrange my 6 pillows into a small throne, look at Facebook and Twitter on my computer. Be pissed nothing has changed in 10 minutes.
8:15: Think about how dirty my room is. Too bad, I’m a hoarder.
9:00: Roll into my office, which is 60 feet from my bedroom. Do some “work.”
10:00: Text people to see if they want to get dinner later, when they say yes, say “Great, I’ll yelp some places!”
10:30: Look at Yelp and hate every place. No neighborhood has any food everywhere, so I guess I’ll go hungry.
11:05: Wish it was noon so I could crack open my first Diet Coke of the day. If you drink Diet Coke before noon, you may be a hooker. BUT I JUST WANT DIET COKE.
11:45: Finally pick a mexican place for dinner that we’ve been to a billion times, tell everyone it’s good.
12:00: WOO DIET COKE WOO I CAN DRINK DIET COKE. I do.
12:10: Be done with Diet Coke and also be sad.
12:30-4:00: Alternate entering in bills/answering the phone/filing stuff with perusing blogs. Every word counts.
4:30: Wish it was 5:00 so I could go to the gym. I don’t want to go to the gym, but I’ll long for that freedom.
5:00: Get ready to go to the gym by putting on the same clothes as I’ve worn for a few days prior. Consider how disgusting that is and how bad they smell. Whatever, my washing machine is broken.
5:05-6:00: Be at the gym. “Workout.”
6:15: Come home, shower. Think about how great it is I don’t have to shower until the next day.
7:00: Rush out the door because I’m going to be late. Good thing I chose a restaurant 10 blocks from my house. Very crafty.
8:30: Return home. Wrap my tresses around a curling iron approximately 1,000 times.
9:00: Get back into my bed/pillow throne. Look at tumblrs and laugh at teenage girls. Realize I’m just as sad as they are. Contemplate.
9:30: Catch up on all the Draw Something games I haven’t played all day. I have been very busy.
9:45: Check Facebook and Twitter again. Goodbye, sweet sites, until the morning.
10:15: Go to bed because I am an 80-year-old woman.
ANDY COHEN, IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN FILMING ALL THIS, YOU KNOW HOW TO CONTACT ME. THANK YOU, GOOD DAY.
HEY ISN’T THIS AN ODD COINCIDENCE?
From an Atlantic Wire article:
More specific for any dolts:
This bodes well for my lottery chances tomorrow, I think.
I just saw a post on TMZ about how the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday had a tree fall on his leg when he was outside smoking. This is a picture of the tree and the medical update:
I feel Adam L.’s pain, since I fell off this curb:
Was in a cast for 12 weeks, and my leg shriveled to this peg-leg stick:
Trees are weaker than 7-inch curbs, is the moral of this story, I guess.
I can’t help myself. If anyone wants to chill and make these all at one time, it could be fun.
Goodbye forever, I’m sorry I did this to you.
Well, as you’ve likely noticed, I haven’t updated this bad boy in a while and that is because I’ve fallen down a Pinterest k-hole. Pinterest, if you didn’t know, is a new(ish) site where “you” (read: ladiez) can post things that inspire you, that look good to you, or that you dream about. For some reason, it is essentially lots o’ladies posting their dream wedding dresses, cute ideas for baby photographs (a whole genre I never even knew about), and hairstyles that usually involve a lot of work for a messy bun, or ponytail, or whatever.
I know I’m (technically) a woman, but the things that are posted/”pinned” the most are so stupid that I am angered and find myself wondering why it seems that these ladies only think about weddings/babies/hair/funny pics of dogs that look like dicks. COME ON. Anyway, I scan it numerous times a day and have realized the thing that is the MOST OFFENSIVE is the disgusting recipes that are pinned/repinned thousands of times! Listen, I went to school in upstate New York and understand that taste can vary even within a state (if you are interested in pepperoni soup, cream based, in case you were wondering, boy oh boy do I have a restaurant recommendation for you). Anyway, I have rounded up the most offensive suggestions from the past few days and am considering doing the same for hair tutorials/baby things/stupid back tattoos. We’ll see where the wind blows me.
In order of least to most offense, according to me, the almighty decider.
7. Queso and Chips (Its straight-up vomit appearance knocks what is probably a decent taste down a few pegs).
5. Buffalo Chicken Rolls (This has upstate NY written ALL over it)
4. Stuffed Baugette (Really? Oof.)
3. Chocolate Cream Cheese Breakfast Cookies (Besides the flavor combo, what bothers is me is the “breakfast” distinction. I like some disgustingly sweet shit, but come on.)
2. Creamy Artichoke Lasagna (I mean it worked for Artichoke pizza, right? No. That pizza is the worst.)
AND FINALLY, NUMERO UNO:
Noodle Hot Dogs (What? What? What? WHAT? Can someone please explain this to me. Who would you serve it to? What is its point? Has anyone ever put straight up hot dogs in pasta before? I don’t think so!!)
Mmm. Gimme some of this:
It’s a good thing they’re using Barilla Plus (you know, for health).
Recently my cat, Skippy, has taken a real shine to me and I just want to share our love with everyone on the internet.
Yesterday I went to the dentist (fun!) and in addition to obviously not flossing correctly (read: EVER), not brushing my gums well enough, and sliding down in the chair because I had a very short torso, I was told I have dry mouth. It’s probably because you’re a mouth breather - my dental hygienist. Yeah okay, whatever.
I was given a handout on what toothpaste and mouthwash to buy to MINIMIZE the impact of DRY MOUTH on my dental health (their capitalization, not mine) and though I initially threw it in my bag and didn’t stop at the 900 Duane Reades I passed on my way home, this morning I considered actually buying the stuff. As I took out the handout, I noticed on the back there is a list of “Additional tips to manage Dry Mouth.” Upon reading the suggestions I LOLed and then, based upon my lifestyle habits, concluded that I probably have the driest mouth in the entire world. Here are the suggestions:
Drink plenty of water daily to help moisten the inside of your mouth (Unlikely.).
Carry a small water bottle so you can take frequent sips during the day (What if I only have a big water bottle? Either way, totally unlikely.).
Limit consumption of caffeine as it can be dehydrating (LOL, no.).
Avoid alcohol, which can be dehydrating (But it’s a liquid. I’m confused.).
Drink liquids with meals and use gravies, sauces, yogurt, broth, margarine and mayonnaise to make food easier to swallow (So I’ll be really fat but have a wetter mouth? Seems worth it.).
Avoid refined sugar and carbohydrates (NEXT!).
For all the dental professionals out there who think that dry mouth is a terrible offense plaguing the mouths of your patients, THE SUGGESTIONS FOR AVOIDING IT ARE FAR WORSE THAN THE OFFENSE ITSELF. I may have a dry mouth for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be caffeinated, drunk, and not 600 pounds from using gravies and mayonnaise in all of my meals.