1. Oops I have dry mouth

    Yesterday I went to the dentist (fun!) and in addition to obviously not flossing correctly (read: EVER), not brushing my gums well enough, and sliding down in the chair because I had a very short torso, I was told I have dry mouth. It’s probably because you’re a mouth breather - my dental hygienist. Yeah okay, whatever.

    I was given a handout on what toothpaste and mouthwash to buy to MINIMIZE the impact of DRY MOUTH on my dental health (their capitalization, not mine) and though I initially threw it in my bag and didn’t stop at the 900 Duane Reades I passed on my way home, this morning I considered actually buying the stuff. ¬†As I took out the handout, I noticed on the back there is a list of “Additional tips to manage Dry Mouth.” Upon reading the suggestions I LOLed and then, based upon my lifestyle habits, concluded that I probably have the driest mouth in the entire world. Here are the suggestions:

    Drink plenty of water daily to help moisten the inside of your mouth (Unlikely.).

    Carry a small water bottle so you can take frequent sips during the day (What if I only have a big water bottle? Either way, totally unlikely.).

    Limit consumption of caffeine as it can be dehydrating (LOL, no.).

    Avoid alcohol, which can be dehydrating (But it’s a liquid. I’m confused.).

    Drink liquids with meals and use gravies, sauces, yogurt, broth, margarine and mayonnaise to make food easier to swallow (So I’ll be really fat but have a wetter mouth? Seems worth it.).

    Avoid refined sugar and carbohydrates (NEXT!).

    For all the dental professionals out there who think that dry mouth is a terrible offense plaguing the mouths of your patients, THE SUGGESTIONS FOR AVOIDING IT ARE FAR WORSE THAN THE OFFENSE ITSELF. I may have a dry mouth for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be caffeinated, drunk, and not 600 pounds from using gravies and mayonnaise in all of my meals.

    GOOD DAY.

    2 years ago