Yesterday I went to the dentist (fun!) and in addition to obviously not flossing correctly (read: EVER), not brushing my gums well enough, and sliding down in the chair because I had a very short torso, I was told I have dry mouth. It’s probably because you’re a mouth breather - my dental hygienist. Yeah okay, whatever.
I was given a handout on what toothpaste and mouthwash to buy to MINIMIZE the impact of DRY MOUTH on my dental health (their capitalization, not mine) and though I initially threw it in my bag and didn’t stop at the 900 Duane Reades I passed on my way home, this morning I considered actually buying the stuff. As I took out the handout, I noticed on the back there is a list of “Additional tips to manage Dry Mouth.” Upon reading the suggestions I LOLed and then, based upon my lifestyle habits, concluded that I probably have the driest mouth in the entire world. Here are the suggestions:
Drink plenty of water daily to help moisten the inside of your mouth (Unlikely.).
Carry a small water bottle so you can take frequent sips during the day (What if I only have a big water bottle? Either way, totally unlikely.).
Limit consumption of caffeine as it can be dehydrating (LOL, no.).
Avoid alcohol, which can be dehydrating (But it’s a liquid. I’m confused.).
Drink liquids with meals and use gravies, sauces, yogurt, broth, margarine and mayonnaise to make food easier to swallow (So I’ll be really fat but have a wetter mouth? Seems worth it.).
Avoid refined sugar and carbohydrates (NEXT!).
For all the dental professionals out there who think that dry mouth is a terrible offense plaguing the mouths of your patients, THE SUGGESTIONS FOR AVOIDING IT ARE FAR WORSE THAN THE OFFENSE ITSELF. I may have a dry mouth for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be caffeinated, drunk, and not 600 pounds from using gravies and mayonnaise in all of my meals.